"It's all because of Ukraine," offered Byez Rubashka.
"I realize that being president of Russia is a big job, but you need to forget about it when you're away from it all," continued Slutskaya. "Tonight I will set up my vault apparatus in the bedroom. That always puts you in a good mood."
"Not tonight Gimi," replied Rubashka. "I have to visit Crimea."
"Are those woman who protest by removing their shirts going to be there? You know, Boobs-R-Us?" asked Slutskaya.
"I wish they were. They always brightened my day. No, they disbanded after what happened to them in Iraq. They thought they would show ISIS the usual routine -- take their shirts off and display their breasts with political slogans written on them -- but as soon as they did that, they were gang-raped by hundreds of Islamists. As far as I know, every one of them was raped to death," explained Rubashka.
"Including the ringleader, the stripper who cut down wooden crosses with a chainsaw?" inquired Slutskaya.
"Yes, she was one of them," answered Rubashka.
"This weekend, let's visit your your $1.5 billion Black Sea palace. That place is really cool. It reminds me of the palaces of the former tzars," cooed Slutskaya.
"That's the point, my limber one," concluded Rubashka.
* * * * *
"I'll be there in five minutes. I just want to watch the headlines," said Ukrainian President Ciao Kakao as he walked around his desk and pressed the power button on the television in his office.
"This is INI Headlines with Veracious Tidings," announced the crisp, professional voice.
VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Good evening. We start with Ukraine. Let's go live to Hardy Chronicle in Mariupol.
HARDY CHRONICLE: Hi, Vera. I've learned that the Donetsk area is now completely occupied by Ukrainian forces. You may remember that the fight for the airport was a tough one a few weeks ago. Horlivka and Shakhtarsk have also been taken. Ukrainian forces are relentlessly pushing east to the border region. Separatists now only control the bulge defined by Luhansk on the north and the 90-degree turn at the border to the south.
The separatists took Novoazovsk not too long ago, but that will probably be a tough nut to crack because Rostov-on-Don, a major Russian city, lies directly to the east, not far at all. It appears to be a last stand, a separatist Alamo, if you will.
VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Hardy, Russia has been directly supplying separatists with weapons by driving them across the border. Has the Ukrainian military been able to reduce that flow?
HARDY CHRONICLE: Yes, Vera. Slowly the Ukrainian army was winning the fight, but as you said, the separatists were being resupplied. Many of the organizations which deal in satellite imagery -- the U.S. with its spy satellites, Spot, GeoEye, DigitalGlobe, etc. -- have been secretly supplying Kiev with almost continuous imagery for some time now. The U.S. government gave U.S. corporations permission to give Ukraine their highest resolution so convoys could be located. Kiev has been able to target most Russian convoys entering Ukraine, destroying them with artillery and rockets. Novoazovsk, on the other hand, is being supplied by both land and sea.
And I sometimes see weapons which appear to be out of place for the Ukrainian military. I'm beginning to wonder if NATO or other countries are supplying arms on the sly. I've seen a few drones with attached missiles with Israeli markings.
Oh, and on a slightly different subject, Russian President Byez Rubashka is traveling to Crimea today to give a speech. It's expected that some Crimeans will give him a rough reception, given that tourism, formally a major contributor to the economy, has fallen from the sky.
VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Thanks, Hardy. Now let's go to Doughty Communique in Kiev.
DOUGHTY COMMUNIQUE: Hi, Vera. Ukrainian President Ciao Kakao is flying to Ankara for a meeting with NATO. This is important for two reasons. First, he is confident enough in his military's situation to leave the country. And second, he will be discussing NATO membership which would put an end to Russian adventures in Ukraine.
VERACIOUS TIDINGS: You also have news regarding refugees, right?
DOUGHTY COMMUNIQUE: As you know, more than a million people, many of them children, left Ukraine and traveled to cities in Russia: Tomsk, Ulyanovsk, Yakutsk, Magadan, and others. Their houses and/or cities were destroyed. President Kakao announced today that these people will not be allowed back into Ukraine. He said it is obvious where the loyalties of these people lie. He expects their husbands and male family members to join them soon, after the two separatist redoubts are finally taken. He believe that these people would constitute a fifth column in Ukraine. When asked if his actions were the same as the movement of ethnic minorities that occurred after WWII, he replied: "Perhaps, but given that this war started with Russians in Ukraine attempting to slice a section off for themselves, I believe my decision is justified. We expect many more Russians to voluntarily move to Russia now that their Soviet dream has been crushed."
Back to you, Vera.
VERACIOUS TIDINGS: Thanks, Doughty.
Stay with INI for all the latest news.
* * * * *
"President Rubashka, while we are flying to Crimea, would you like to watch some television?" asked one of his personal servants.
"Turn on Russian Reality. My favorite newsreader is about to start," replied Rubashka.
"As you wish, my lord," the servant said, as he pressed the power button for the television situated about 1/2 meter from Rubashka.
RUSSIAN REALITY TV
LABIA LIKOV: This is Russian Reality TV, with all the news you need to know. Labia Likov here.
The situation is firming up nicely in Eastern Ukraine. The fascists who executed a coup d'etat are slowly losing their will to fight and the people are reclaiming their birthright. Even the people of Western Ukraine are beginning to realize that the current government is dangerous to their health.
It's clear to everyone that statehood for Eastern Ukraine is the only solution. Fascism will never be accepted by the patriots in the east of the country. Theirs is the natural reaction of people who are defending their rights. We hope that common sense prevails before any more people are killed.
I also want to make it clear that there is no truth to the rumor that Russia had a prisoner swap with Ukraine. There are no Russian soldiers in Ukraine and never have been. Russia merely had pity on the families of Ukrainian soldiers captured in righteous battle and decided to do the right thing, as we always do.
Our glorious leader, President Byez Rubashka, is flying to Crimea today to accept the thanks of the people for rescuing them from the grip of the falangists. He will stay overnight and return to Moscow tomorrow.
Onher Chappedbutt, deported from America in a group of ten alleged spies, has opened another branch of her brothel with a spy theme, The Russia House, this time in Crimea. To remind you of what she has to offer, we have a graphic showing the services offered with their associated codewords.
Chappedbutt's harlots have created a few terms of their own for use in their work. We have a graphic showing these terms.
We wish her great success in her newest location.
In other news, we have more details on the scandal involving Italian President Smegma Phallusconi. You'll remember that he was caught in flagrante delicto with a 16-year-old prostitute. We just learned that one of the people who burst in on Phallusconi was carrying a state-of-the-art digital camera. This person snapped a few high resolution photos of Phallusconi's private parts and posted them on his website. He announced that there is a section of Phallusconi's penis which contains an amazingly lifelike depiction of the Virgin Mary, but only when he has an erection, as the folds otherwise obscure the revelation. Tens of thousands of Italians have surrounded his house, beseeching him to give them the full Virgin Mary. We'll let you know what happens.
Finally, in San Diego, California, a Muslim woman dressed in a blue burka was standing next to the main tank when one of the killer whales rose up and knocked her into the tank. The whales then tossed her into the air and batted her about until trainers could distract them. Police speculated that because the whales could not see that it was a human in the burka, they thought it was a large, blue, beach toy. The investigation continues.
We'll be right back.
* * * * *
"Mr. President, the President of the European Council is on the phone," interrupted his assistant.
"Alain, how are you? I'm flying to Ankara to meet with the NATO ministers. I suspect they are not predisposed to Ukraine's entry because of the potential cost and risk. However, Ukraine's entry into the EU is paramount. We really need that to start the transition away from Russia's influence. I need to talk to you about ships bringing natural gas to ports in Mariupol and other cities. Sure, nuclear power might be a solution for the long-term, but I'm worried about the short-term, like this coming winter," began Kakao.
"Yes, I heard that Rubashka called for statehood for Eastern Ukraine. That's a clear admission that his tactics have failed. He is grasping at straws now," added Kakao.
"You know, sometimes I think of the children, parents, and teachers who were slaughtered in Beslan ten years ago. The whole thing went tragically wrong because Rubashka and his cronies were grossly incompetent and corrupt. The Ingush and Chechen savages bribed their way through police checkpoints. Russian authorities never secured the area around School Number 1 to prevent the many amateurs from interfering. We'll never know who fired first, but if commandos had been the only troops present, they could have killed the savages much faster, reducing the death toll of innocents," opined Kakao.
"Of course that occurred to me. Russia refused to allow Chechnya and the other Caucasian countries to become independent, yet it demands that Ukraine allow Russians in Eastern Ukraine to be set free. It's always about Russians, with Georgia and South Ossetia being a perfect example," interjected Kakao.
"We are already opening new McDonald's restaurants in the cleared parts of the so-called Novorossiya. The cuisine is not my favorite, but Ukraine will allow consumers to choose which restaurants exist," finished Kakao.
* * * * *
"Ubistvo, remember what happened the last time you launched an SA-11 Buk missile? Women and children rained down from the sky. You killed people from all over the world, ones who had nothing to do with our fight for independence," cautioned Nescient Ovis.
"We've been through this before. All of those people were already dead," claimed Ubistvo Lyubovnik. "It was a Western and fascist plot to implicate the motherland."
"Ubistvo, you are the commander of separatist forces in Novoazovsk, but sometimes you remind me of the movie-hero Alexander Nevsky just after a double-dose of meth," answered Ovis.
"That fascist Kakao is flying today from Kiev to Ankara, which takes him over Southern Ukraine, right over our beloved Buk," asserted Lyubovnik.
"Do you really think he would fly over our territory?" queried Ovis.
"He thinks he has already won. I will show him and his American puppet-masters how to play the game," declared Lyubovnik. "Okay, button 'A' to arm, button 'R' to release safeties, and button 'L' to launch. Buk means tree, but in this case, it is the tree of death. Buk, Buk, Buk, you're the source of all our luck!"
"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when," sang Lyubovnik as he pressed buttons.
The missile ignited and accelerated skyward.
* * * * *
"Absolutely, Onher. I have visited all of your other bordellos. I would not miss the opening of another one, if you catch my drift," assured Rubashka. "Legs, Onher; it was a joke. Did you build a presidential suite in Crimea? You know how I hate to mingle with ordinary people."
"I hope you did not invite Teddy Sneg. He is insufferable, always taking himself so seriously. I have the impression he believes the world is going to crown him king of the truth-tellers or some other nonsense. When is he going to realize that we are simply using him?" continued Rubashka. "Hold on for a second, okay?"
"What's that down below us? Is that a contrail? What ..."