FICTION: Religious sex dolls

SCENE: In a sex shop.

MAN: I'm looking for a religious sex doll.

CLERK: What kind do you want? We have dolls of varying sophistication. We have Christian, Tibetan Buddhist, Jewish, Mormon, Hindu, Scientologist, and Muslim ones. And we have three varieties of Christian: Pentecostal, Original, and American. We also have a witch model, as well as a few miscellaneous models.

MAN: What's the difference between the three Christian varieties?

The Pentecostal one speaks in tongues, if you catch my drift. The other two require a credit card to operate. The Original one immediately transfers all of the money to charity, but the American one just keeps the money and repeats: "God helps those who help themselves!"

MAN: What's with the Tibetan Buddhist one?

CLERK: Usually they just sit there quietly chanting. They have become popular with Chinese customers lately, who only want to beat them or hack them to pieces.

MAN: What's the deal with the witch and miscellaneous models?

CLERK: Ah, yes, the "Christine O'Donnell" model. We don't sell many of those because they refuse to have sex. We have only sold those to American Christians who use them as role models. They are usually mounted over the television using a vertical broomstick.

We stopped selling the "Ann Coulter" model -- the one with a toy snapping turtle in its crotch -- after too many customers lost their penis in its snatch.

We also offer a "Jenny McCarthy" model. You can do anything to it except give it a vaccination.

If you are interested in a Capitalism doll, I suggest the "Maria Bartiromo" model. You can crap, pee, or come in its mouth and it swallows it all, as long as you work on Wall Street. Of course, from time to time you have to open it up and bail it out.

We even offer one gay model -- the "Rush Limbaugh" -- which pretends to be Christian when it senses humans in the room, but you need a really thick penis as it is the biggest anus you will ever find.

MAN: No, thanks! And the others?

CLERK: The Jewish one looks just like Chelsea Clinton, but don't ever mention anything in its presence about cutting off aid to Israel or it will automatically start calling Jewish lobbyists.

The Mormon one looks just like a 12-year-old girl and only functions when it is at most one room away from at least two other similar dolls.

The Hindu one is inflatable, but instead of filling it with air as is usual, you fill it with a mixture of river water and sewage, especially human waste. It has a face like a cow, and that is actually an advantage, because you are never tempted to kiss it.

The Scientologist one is really expensive to use; every time you want to get screwed, you have to pay ten thousand dollars to a famous Hollywood celebrity. And it files multiple lawsuits against you if you ever try to leave it and/or defame it.

And the Muslim one is an old-fashioned inflatable doll which blows itself up.