Recently appointed Defense Secretary Perez Hilton, replacing the retired Robert Gates, wasted no time in announcing the first impact of the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell.
The 7th Cavalry Regiment, infamous for their involvement in the Battle of the Little Bighorn and the Wounded Knee Massacre, will be reorganized as a gay unit. Secretary Hilton declared that their new motto will be "Ride 'em hard!" Many gay men are re-enlisting in the Army and Hilton said he wants to give them a prestige unit.
We have a short video of Illinois Congressman Luis Gutierrez wearing the 7th Cavalry Regiment's new summer uniform.
VIDEO: Scene showing Gutierrez wearing only black leather chaps with the rear portion removed. The image is blurred for modesty as he smiles, pivots, and attempts to show off his naked butt.
JILL DOBSON: We also have a short video of Secretary Hilton making a few comments on the subject.
VIDEO OF DEFENSE SECRETARY PEREZ HILTON: I chose to reorganize the 7th Cavalry Regiment for a few reasons, mainly historical. Just like me, their horn is initially little, but then becomes big. And I expect their knees will become wounded with all of the kneeling they'll be doing. I hope to go riding with them soon.
JILL DOBSON: (Speaking to her off-screen producer) Will you please hand me a barf bag?
In other news, it was learned today that Walmart's human resources database was hacked by Chinese hackers. Social Security numbers, birth dates, addresses, and other information useful for identity thieves were stolen. In response, Walmart announced that it regrets the incident; it will give all affected employees coupons good for a 10% reduction on one regular-price, Chinese-made item, priced up to a maximum of $50, as compensation.
Walmart also announced a change to its healthcare plan. Employees who have the company plan, almost exclusively managers and executives, will now be required to see a video primary care physician before any treatment is authorized. These video PCPs will be based in India, allowing Walmart to reduce its insurance premiums, giving the Walton family even more money.
Changing gears, you might remember Jessica Fashano, an 27-year-old analyst at Citigroup, who last December jumped from the 40-story Trump Place in Manhattan. We have a new wrinkle on that. A number of people, including many who lost half of their IRA or 401k accounts in the recent panic, have banded together to buy a video display unit installed near the famous Wall Street bull, reading "xxx bankers have served America by jumping off tall buildings since December 20, 2010," with "xxx" representing the actual number of jumpers so far. The members of the group -- "Ricochet Riche" -- often congregate outside tall buildings in Manhattan smilingly asking visitors "Can we help you jump today?"
Finally, Anna Chapman, deported last July in a group of ten Russian spies, has opened a Moscow brothel with a spy theme, called The Russia House. We have a graphic showing the services offered with their associated codewords.
Chapman's harlots have created a few terms of their own for use in their work. We have a graphic showing these terms.
Something tells me that Ms. Chapman's latest escapade will be a great success.
We'll return to the Super Bowl after these messages.
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