Mr. Mugwump goes to Washington

Rush Limbaugh told us during the campaign that Michelle Obama made derogatory comments about whitie. He owes us the rest of the story. When did she see him without his pants on?

Monica Crowley claimed on more than one occasion that Jesus said that "God helps those who help themselves." This quote is nowhere to be found in the Bible, but it was included by Benjamin Franklin in his Poor Richard's Almanac. Anyone who has actually read the Bible knows that Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temple, and that he said that it is more difficult for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. It is simply amazing how many Americans follow a preacher or talk show host who is the diametric opposite of Jesus, a pacifist who had no material possessions and asked his followers to live the same way. Americans like to think of themselves as good Christians, but someone traveling here on Good Friday or Easter will not notice anything different, as compared to Germany, where almost the entire country shuts down over the three-day Easter weekend.

And speaking of pins and needles, I have no idea how many angels could simultaneously pole-dance on a pin, but I think I read that an upcoming episode of America's Next Top Model will feature an attempt at setting the record.

Before we had Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly, we had intolerant liberals describing anyone who disagreed with them as racist, sexist, or homophobic (and now add Islamophobic to the list). Illinois Congressman Gutierrez calls anyone disagreeing with his radical immigration opinions a racist. Maybe he is trying to legalize as many new Democratic voters as he can so he can move up the food chain.

In December 1996, two teenagers kidnapped Barbara Castor, a 76-year-old Northern Colorado grandmother, and drove her to a ranch northeast of Strasburg where they tied her to the remnants of an old dam. She died there of exposure during the night. Then in October 1998, Matthew Shepard, a 21-year-old gay Wyoming student, was lured from a Laramie bar by two men, tied to a split-rail fence, beaten, and left to die, which he did in a Fort Collins hospital shortly thereafter. Yet Barbara Castor's case attracted only local attention while Matthew Shepard was made a cause célèbre by President Clinton and Vice President Gore.